Once were staunch

Will you be my second? Don’t you love it when I speak in riddles? If you like this site, you might enjoy the site of my kissing cousin once removed, two doors down. Please send your prayers via paypal for her and her ailing cat.

She was always a staunch supporter of the traditional view, even though she wasn’t quite sure what that meant. It seemed to come more from the barbarian side of her ancestry, than from the Holy Roman side, although she thought the legions might be said to be staunch, what with their support of Julius Caesar.

But wasn’t John of Staunch one of the knights of the round table? Who when the time came around for his turn to set off in search of the holy grail, was never heard of again? That is the man.

And can’t you, in a matter of life and death, staunch a wound? Riddle number three.

Yankee know-how

They sent his children to the mountains with only the sweat of their brow. They struck down his wife with a pillar of fire as she switched on the television.

They put a price on his head and collected tax on his thumbnails. Whoever crossed his path had to say five Hail Marys and one Our Father. You will recall: Hail Mary, full of grace, and our father, tis of thee.

After he crossed the Delaware he was shot through the head in Ford’s Theatre. That’s neither here nor there.

After these preliminary preparations they replaced his cerebrospinal fluid with formaldehyde, until the tankers ran dry.

They castrated his balls with a flick of the switch and hung in their place two patio lanterns. Where his dick had been they planted a cucumber who pined to be a real pickle.

As in the old days, both his feets were made of clay, and they used his spare rib for sauce. This was written up in the England Journal of Medicine under the category of mills, satanic.

About what to do with his grey matter, they couldn’t reach a consensus. So it was left to the collapse of its quantum state.

12 things to do before your random number generator crashes

All the twitter is about all the rash of reports of random number generators crashing — in at least one case setting a woman’s hair on fire during her passage through border security. She was positively identified by a tooth found in the ashes. A spokesperson for Homeland Incorporated says that the incident is under investigation, but that, knock on wood, no government personnel were harmed during the filming.

Could it happen to you? And when it does, will you be ready?

Here’s the low down on upping your chances of living out this bug:

  • Jump-start the diesel generator in accordance with the least square law.
  • Top up all superfluids in the rear end of the cosmic ray scintillator.
  • Throw salt over your shoulder when you sneeze at the table.

Raspyness

He had the croak of the crow, so they called him Raskolnikov Kalashnikov, or Ras Putin when they were short on calibres. It’s been written up in Professor Eraserhead and his Magnetic Domains by professor Glatitude Willcox. He was known to be more agnostic than Hippocrates, to have a more pronounced brow than Agamemnon, and to be sporting prefontal sinus cavities in like relation.

Wash the news

I washed the news tonight to see who’s got that oscar — I heard she’s worth a king’s ransom on the blacks’ market. In the field kitchen the recipient, disabusing herself with a cucumber, tried everything from osmosis to reverse hypnosis.

Collapsing White Space

She was a beautiful woman before her teeth went bad

The default option is to collapse white space, unless you know you’re falling into a black hole, then they say to hop away, don’t get rung up like Cassiday on his flying trapeeze.

Genghis Con and his brooders inseminated half the women in christendom, blessed be the fodder. Those Mongolians know how to eat, blasted be the mudder.

Entrail Roaster

A household slave, a favourite of Pericles, first citizen of Athens, when engaged in building the temple on the Acropolis, crawled on the top of the high roof and fell. He is said to have been cured by Perdicium or parthenium, which in a dream was prescribed to Pericles by Minerva; therefore it began to be called parthenium, and was consecrated to that goddess. This is the slave whose portrait was cast in bronze, the famous Entrail Roaster.

Styppax of Cyprus is known for a single statue, his Man Cooking Tripe, which represented a domestic slave of Pericles roasting innards and puffing out his cheeks as he kindles the fire with his breath.

François l’Olonnais

In his 1684 account The History of the Buccaneers of America, Alexandre Exquemelin notes François l’Olonnais’s place of birth as les Sables-d’Olonne.

L’Olonnais first arrived in the Caribbean as an indentured servant during the 1650s. By 1660 his servitude was complete. He began to wander various islands before arriving in Saint-Domingue – in what is now Haiti – and becoming a buccaneer. He preyed upon shipping from the Spanish West Indies and Spanish Main.

A year or two (dates regarding l’Olonnais are uncertain) into his piratical career, l’Olonnais was shipwrecked near Campeche in Mexico. A party of Spanish soldiers attacked l’Olonnais and his crew, killing almost the entire party. L’Olonnais himself survived by covering himself in the blood of others and hiding amongst the dead.

After the Spanish departed, l’Olonnais with the assistance of some slaves escaped and made his way to the island of Tortuga. A short time later he and his crew held a town hostage, demanding a ransom from its Spanish rulers. The governor of Havana[who?] sent a ship to kill l’Olonnais’ party. l’Olonnais captured and beheaded the entire raiding crew save one, whom he spared so that a message could be delivered to Havana: “I shall never henceforward give quarter to any Spaniard whatsoever.”