This research was originally pubished as “Anal leakage caused by synthetic lard,” in the Journal of Bygone Days, by Machamo de Assis.

“I’d really like to get into your head.” That famous phrase from the work that earned Putin Plutinio the Nobel Prize in 1952 was analyzed by a team from the Fermi Institute; their conclusions were inconclusive, so the results were never published. But in 1976 a doctoral student at the Sorbonne stumbled upon the unpublished analysis. The upshot was earthshattering.